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嗯 所以有只树懒爬到三号墙上去了 Yeah, so sloth's climbing up Wall Three,
我们最受欢迎的一堵攀岩墙 one of our most popular climbs.
他啥时候开始往上爬的 上周吗 When did he start his ascent, last week?
这里 Over here.
就在上面 Up there.
昨天这有小孩开了生日派对 We had a kid's birthday party yesterday.
爱宠乐园那家伙肯定是忘了他了 I think the petting zoo guy must have forgotten him.
噢 他们有带大型宠物来吗 我们经常接到这样的报警 Oh, did they use Heavy Petters? We get a lot of calls.
他们统计动物数目挺马虎的 Real sloppy with their head count.
噢 这小家伙在动呢 Oh, little dude's on the move.
他还怪得意的呢 He's getting cocky.
施莱德 给我穿上护具 Shred, strap me in.
弗兰克 我想再问你一遍 Frank, let me flag this one more time.
你确定不想让我爬上去吗 Are you sure you don't want me to climb?
施莱德 看这小家伙 Shred, look at him.
我只是担心你因为他太可爱了 I'm just worried about you overdosing on cuteness
就失去你的理智了 看我的吧 and losing all your faculties. I got this.
快点 弗兰克 他看起来要抓不住了 Hurry, Frank! I think he's losing his grip!
嗯哼 你就只会看戏吧 Mmhmm. The yelling helps.
嘿 伙计 我叫弗兰克 没事的 Hi, buddy. Im Frank. It's ok.
对 就这样过来 慢慢的 Yeah, come on over here nice and easy.
噢 好吧 呃 Oh, alright. Well, um...
他喜欢那个夹子 弗兰克 He likes the clip, Frank.
噢看啊 它亮晶晶的 Oh, look. It's shiny.
好吧 Ok, ok.
不不不 不要啊 No, no, no, no, no!
你没事吧 Are you ok?
噢 没事没事 Oh, yeah, yeah.
手机钥匙给我缓冲了一下 The phone and keys broke my fall.
《动物管制官》 第二季 第2集
你在傻笑着看啥呢 What are you giggling at?
特蕾莎 Teresa.
她给我发了一段她被海浪拍倒的视频 She sent me a video of her getting knocked over by a wave.
挺会自嘲的 She's very self- deprecating.
特蕾莎是谁 Who's Teresa?
和我互发短信的其中一位女人 One of the women I'm texting with.
其中一位 One of the women?
是啊 我用了几款约会软件 Yeah. I joined a couple of those dating apps
可能是因为我发了一张 and maybe it's'cause I posted a picture
我和长颈鹿宝宝的照片吧 of me with a baby giraffe
我可收到好多私信啊 but I'm getting a lot of messages.
我怎么感觉就一周前你还因为艾米丽心碎的不行 I feel like it was just a week ago you were so heartbroken
连法式吐司条都没吃完啊 over Emily you couldn't finish your French toast sticks.
我受够沉溺于悲伤了 弗兰克 我受够了 I'm done wallowing, Frank. I'm done with it.
人来到这世上可不是来沉溺于悲伤中的 Man was not put on this earth to wallow.
嘿 如果你和某人聊的火热朝天 Hey, if you had a dazzling text rapport with someone
你愿意为这个跑一趟班布里奇岛不 would you be willing to travel to Bainbridge Island?
班布里奇岛 美国华盛顿州基沙普县内的一个岛城
是挺远的 我还得乘轮渡去呢 It's a long way away, I have to take a ferry,
但我感觉这代表了些什么 but I think it makes a statement.
要我说 这对她是个很好的机会 Well, it's a big opportunity for her to meet
能见到这世上最折磨人的人了 the most exhausting person on the planet.
22分区最新领养信息 Precinct 22 adoption update:
我们刚给山羊找到了新家 we just found a home for the goat,
这一来这季度共有68只宠物被领养了 so that makes 68 pets this quarter.
我们的狗舍正式空了 Our kennels are officially empty.
好诶 Alright.
恭喜啊 Congratulations.
邓普顿那破分区现在有几只啊 How many did Templeton's broke ass precinct have?
截止今天早上 75只 As of this morning, 75
等等 那我们没机会赢乒乓球桌了吗 Wait, so we don't have a chance at the ping pong table?
只剩两天了 There's only two days left.
那你为什么说这是场胜利啊 Why did you present this as a win?
呃 我们排西雅图所有分区的第二 Ok, well we're second in all of Seattle
我们能赢到披萨午餐 so we're going to get the pizza lunch.
但我不想赢披萨午餐 But I don't want the pizza lunch.
我想赢球桌啊 I want the table.
行了 这一切的重点不在于赢 Alright, well it's not about winning,
而在于动物福利 it's about the animals'well- being.
噢 你觉得动物会想让邓普顿赢吗 Oh, you think the animals want Templeton to win?
错了 他们想要公平公正 No, they want justice,
公平就是让我赢了那个球桌 and justice is me winning that table.
我是说我们 这个集体 我就想要打乒乓嘛 I mean us, the collective me. I just wanna play ping pong!
好了 我挂了 弗兰克 Ok, bye, Frank.
感谢致电 Thank you for contacting
美国公民及移民服务局 US Citizenship and Immigration Services.
下一位有空的客服会接通您的拨话 Your call will be answered by the next available agent.
我知道了 你已经跟我说了不下700次了 Yes, I know, because you've told me 700 times.
别哼 Don't.
-好的 -你敢 Gotcha. - Don't you dare.
-我不喜欢听这部分 -别哼了 - I don't like this part. - Stop.
这是法国号角吹的吗 Is that a French horn?
所有单位注意 警方在百老汇街146号 AlI units: Police requesting back- up
请求增援 at 146 Broadway.
就是法国号角嘛 8号车响应出警 It's a French horn. Truck 8 responding.
感谢致电 Thank you for contacting
美国公民及移民服务局 US Citizenship and Immigration Services.
这简直折磨死人了 我就想要张绿卡 This is torture! I just need a green card!
为什么要为难我 Why are you making this so difficult?
别哼 Don't.
嘿 跳蚤和蜱虫警官 Hey, officers Flea and Tick.
天啊 你还真会开玩笑 Oh my god, you are so funny.
看来即兴表演课卓有成效啊 吉米 Those improv classes are really paying off, Jimmy.
这里什么情况 What've we got?
有个囤积狂孤独终老了 留下很多烤面包机 Hoarder died all alone. A lot of toasters.
还有很多猫 A lot of cats.
多少只 How many cats?
天我也不知道啊 大概400只吧 I don't know, man. Like 400?
他们到处乱跑根本没法好好数完 They wouldn't stay still for a head count.
他们都需要新家 They're all gonna need homes.
你猜什么东西也需要新家 乒乓球桌 You know what else needs a home? That ping pong table.
击掌 施莱德 Up top, Shred.
好嘞 Yep.
好了 我们进屋吧 Alright, let's go, guys.
嗨 Hi.
这地方让我有点毛骨悚然啊 Ewww, this place freaks me out.
是啊 我也不想自吹自擂哈 但是这地方 Yeah, I don't wanna toot my own horn but this is exactly
和我想象中囤积狂的家的味道一模一样 what I thought a hoarder's house would smell like.
典型的弗兰克式吹牛 没法验证你说的 Classic Frank boast. No way to verify it.
闻闻你就知道了 Just breathe in.
别这样吓人 Don't do that!
抱歉 Sorry.
谁会把一个没头的人体模特放在走廊里啊 老兄 Who keeps a headless mannequin in a hallway, dude?
什么 What?
其他房间还有好多装满尿的罐子呢 There are dozens of jars of urine in the other room
你居然能被这玩意儿吓到 and this gives you pause?
伙计们根据这小册子说 Guys, remember that hoarding is a disease
爱囤积东西是种疾病 这小册子也是我 according to this pamphlet I found
在一堆讲囤积狂的小册子里找到的 in a pile of pamphlets about hoarding.
这一点也不好玩 That is not cool!
老兄 Dude.
干什么就因为有个老太在这屋里死了 What? Just'cause an old lady died here doesn't mean
不代表我们不能开点玩笑了嘛 we can't have a little fun.
有人也听见那音乐声了吗 Can anyone else hear that music?
我分不出是真的有 还是我想象出来的 I can't tell whether it's real or whether it's in my head.
我肯定也听到了 I totally hear it.
因为是有音乐在放啊 伙计们 Cause it's music playing, guys.
有人吗 Hello? -
有人在家吗 Is anybody home?
真希望你们能意识到刚刚有多傻 Well, I hope you guys feel silly.
什么东西 它还没死吗 What is it? l Is it undead?
恶魔走开 下来 把它弄下来 Away demon! Off! Get it off!
看来有人吓尿了啊 I think we just added to the urine smell.
把它弄下来 Get it off!
可惜她没囤点清洁用品 Too bad she didn't hoard cleaning products.
确实 清洁的不怎么及时 Sure, it's got a bit of deferred maintenance,
所有东西表面都黏糊糊的 但用的都是真材实料啊 every surface is sticky, but it's got good bones.
要是有个精明点的投资者 他来肯定能大赚一笔 A savvy investor could come in here and make a killing.
瞧瞧这个 红橡木原木做的啊 Look at this. That's original red oak.
好吧 Right.
那壁炉是还能用吗 Is that a working fireplace?
噢 班布里奇岛那女孩儿给我确认了 Ooh, I just got confirmation from Bainbridge Island.
我这周都约满了哦 I'm now fully booked for the week.
你也得试试这些约会软件 弗兰克 You gotta get on one of these apps, Frank.
废物才用约会软件 Dating apps are for losers.
这些软件真让我约上过好多次呢 I get heaps of action from those apps.
那我再加一个 废物和不合法的外星人才用这些 Dating apps are for losers and illegal aliens.
戳到我痛点满意了吧 Oh, burn.
还是赶紧把这些猫搞出去 去赢下乒乓球桌吧 Let's get these cats out of here and go win a ping pong table.
太好了 还能用 我说不定可以投资一笔呢 Yeah, working! Maybe I should invest.
感觉你在故意换话题 I think you're changing the subject.
话题一直都是 也永远会是乒乓球桌 The subject was and always will be ping pong.
是你自己换了 You changed it.
嗯 但我和你认识一年半了 Yeah, but I've known you a year and a half,
你却一直没谈过别人 you've never been in a relationship,
就感觉有点奇怪而已 I just think it's weird.
听着 我被同一个女的放了两次鸽子 Look, I got ghosted by the same woman twice.
还有我的牙医 女的 她一直给我改预约时间 And my dentist, also a woman, she keeps rescheduling,
所以我决定就休息休息呗 so I'm just gonna take the spring off.
弗兰克 你年纪也不小了 Frank, you're not getting any younger.
难道你不想要找一个女伴儿吗 And don't you wanna meet a nice lady who can help you
你老了以后她可以帮你如厕 get on and off the toilet?
我就要打给美国移民及海关执法局了 Yeah, you know, one more comment like that and I'm calling ICE.
我只是想提醒你一下 I'm just saying you have to be careful,
毕竟你以后可能会这样 because this situation could be you.
孤独的高个子男人 死的时候只有猫咪相伴 Lonely, tall man, dies surrounded by his cats.
行吧 Ok.
感觉现在说可能已经有点晚了哦 I think it might already be too late.
我的腿笔直细挺 他们因此以为这是猫抓杆而已 My legs are so well- defined they think it's a scratching post.
行吧 Sure.
动物管制局
好了大家 听好了 Alright everybody, listen up.
这些猫咪赐予了我们一件礼物 We have been given a gift with these cats.
一件尖叫着抓挠人的天赐礼物 A screeching, clawing gift from the gods.
怎么每个人都忙着看手机 What is going on with these phones?
移民的事 Immigration.
这确实是法国号角吹的 对吧 That is a French horn, right?
你又有什么理由 What's your excuse?
班布里奇岛女孩儿跟我取消了 我得再找人填补这空档了 Bainbridge Island fell out and I have to fill her slot.
我重组语言再说一遍 Let me rephrase that.
弗兰克 现在算个好时机吗 Frank, is now a good time to speak to you
跟你说说投资机会的事 about an investment opportunity?
不是 No.
因为我正在看子洛网站 它是学区房 Because I am on Zillow right now, excellent school district,
子洛 一家创立于2006年的美国线上房地产公司
这对年轻点的家庭来说吸引力满满的啊 it practically sells itself to a young family,
更不用说 从这屋里还能瞥到太空针塔呢， not to mention a peekaboo view of the Space Needle.
太空针塔 美国西北太平洋地区的一座主要地标
连M&M巧克力我都不会和你一起去买 Iwouldn't even go in on a bag of M&M's with you,
M&M美国的牛奶巧克力品牌
要我投资囤积狂的家简直异想天开 大家专心点好吗 let alone a hoarder's house. We need to focus.
现在事态攸关的是这张乒乓球桌啊 There is a ping pong table at stake.
当然了 我可以自己买一张 但这不是重点 Sure, I could just buy one, but it's not about that.
重点是打败邓普顿 It's about beating Templeton.
我们在周五工作日结束之前 We have until end of business Friday
必须得把这些产品送走 to get this product out the door.
行了 弗兰克 我得提醒你下他们是被遗弃的猫咪 Ok, Frank, just a reminder they're neglected cats,
不是产品 这事速度不重要 not product, and it's, you know, less about speed,
重要的是给他们找到温暖的新家 more about finding them good, loving homes.
那当然了 他们有三个是姊妹 Totally. Three of them are siblings.
我们就可以把他们打包一起送走 So we could probably put those in one package
这样一下就多出来十个隔间了 and that would leave us with ten units.
达奇警官来了 要我拦住他吗 Officer Dudge approaching, should I deny entry?
-嗯 -好的 Yeah. - Yes.
不 没事 贝塔妮 No, it's fine, Bettany.
好 不知道你们听说了没 我们已经给那只有 Ok, not sure if you heard, we unloaded the beagle
肛门感染了的比格犬找到新家了 with the infected anal glands.
对了 你们等会吃厚皮还是薄皮披萨 So next question: deep dish or thin crust?
听完小猎犬肛门感染后 我不饿了 I'm not hungry now after hearing about that beagle situation.
那乒乓球桌正好能 That ping pong table is gonna fit nicely
放我们上次赢的刨冰机旁边 next to the Sno- Cone machine we won last quarter,
艾米丽 在某种程度上 我们的成功离不开你的领导 and at some point, Emily, this is about your leadership.
或不领导 Or lack thereof.
你阴阳不到我邓普顿 Ok, you're not gonna make me feel bad about this, Templeton.
我总得试试 I might.
你今天怎么这么安静 弗兰克 And you're awfully quiet, Frank.
因为我在心里默默把你吐槽 Don't worry, I'm screaming plenty of things at you
得狗血淋头了 in my head.
又是这个经典讽刺微笑 There's that snark, that wry smile.
行吧 一个反手切 Alright, backhand, slice.
拜拜 Bye,
危险解除 AlI clear.
行 转换战略 我们这次必须赢 Ok, we're changing tactics. We're gonna win.
那混蛋老对我的工作指指点点 我受够了 I am so sick of that jerk just always gunning for my job
我要看那副自鸣得意的嘴脸哭 and I need to wipe the smug little smile off of his face.
我喜欢小心眼的斗士版艾米丽 I like petty, competitive Emily.
是的 性感中带着一些俏皮 Yeah, she's sexy. A little bit naughty, even.
工作场合不能说这种话 And I'm not allowed to say this stuff at work
一不小心会处分的 so maybe I'll get disciplined.
不好意思 最近在换避孕手段 I'm really sorry about that, I- I've switched birth control
最近有点抓狂 so I'm feeling a bit crazy.
行 我们得制定计划 Ok, we need a plan.
我觉得大家都知道该怎么做 I think we all know what we have to do.
又来了 Oh, here we go
-为什么呢 -太经典了 Any excuse. Love it.
-她的口头禅 -经典 She loves it. Love it.
我问一下 我们要做什么 I'm sorry, what do we have to do?
我们要给猫猫盛装打扮 We have to dress the cats up
把美照传到我们的网站 and put pictures of them on our website.
而我负责给猫猫选主题服装 And I should probably be in charge of costume theme.
我们不要玩简·奥斯汀那一套了 We're not doing the Jane Austen thing again.
为什么 多可爱呀 Why not? It was so cute.
让蜥蜴戴上蝴蝶结坐那儿五个月 The lizard in the bonnet sat there for five months.
后两个月它都死了 And two of those months it was dead.
但依然可爱 But it was cute.
我虽职位不高 也来拉拉票 Ok, I am gonna pull rank that I don't have.
狂野西部主题怎么样 大家 Wild West theme, everybody.
警长 牛仔 加几个小妓女 Sheriffs, cowboys, maybe a little bordello.
赞成 Yes!
我的构想是这样 That is what we're doing.
我超爱狂野西部 I love the wild west.
火爆山姆是乐一通动画片我的最爱 Yosemite Sam was always my favorite Looney Tunes.
乐一通是华纳兄弟早期推出的卡通系列之一 著名角色包括兔八哥、猪小弟和达菲鸭等
大家都知道兔八哥刁是经典 Everybody knows that Bugs Bunny was the best.
我不想再跟人争这个 I'm not having this argument again,
臭美公子 Pepe LePew?
不行 Cancelled.
就没同意过我 Always ignored.
我同意狂野西部主题 I can work with Wild West,
棉花苞裤和波洛领带效果也会很不错 I'm seeing lots of cotton bloomers ancl bolo ties,
你们俩 负责美术道具 so you two, I need you on art supplies.
你们俩 去买可爱小猫猫服装 I need you two on teeny- tiny cat costumes.
总之 我们的目标是 最快把小猫们 Ok. We need to make these cats as adorable as possible
-打扮到最美 -是 - as fast as possible. - Yeah.
动起来 动起来 行动 Let's go, everybody. Let's go.
现在 Right now?
猫爪是焦点 Claws become features.
三条腿的猫要穿内战装 The three- legged cat needs to have Civil War costume,
营造故事感 出发 give him a back story. Let's go!
班布里奇女孩回消息了 Bainbridge Island is back in!
啊 上班时间别弄这些有的没的 Uh, don't use office hours for trivial nonsense.
你现在该买小猫牛仔帽 You're supposed to be ordering tiny cowboy hats.
我不知道该不该信她了 I don't know if I can trust her now.
我以后约会要再三确认 做好备选计划 I'm gonna double book a date just so I have a back- up plan.
施莱德 我一直都很坚定 Shred, I don't wanna get involved in your emotional life,
不插手你的感情生活 I've been consistent and unwavering in that,
但你恋爱谈得有点神经了 but you seem a little nuts with the dating.
天哪 你跟我妈似的 Oh, you and my mother.
她也这么认为 That's what she thinks,
觉得我没好好对待对艾米丽的感情 that I haven't processed all my feelings for Emily.
非要我哭吗 呜呜 Well, process this: boo hoo.
你和你妈讨论吧 我不插嘴了 You know what? You and your mom covered it.
我告诉你我怎么跟她说的 I'm gonna tell you what I told her.
别绑住我的双翅 妈妈 Don't clip my wings, mom.
我要去找寻未知的浪漫 I'm flying into a world of unknown romantic
或上床的机会 slash sexual opportunities.
12号卡车 有店主报告动物丢失 Truck 12. Business owner reporting missing animal.
凯尼街 3247号 3247 Kinley Street.
12号卡车收到 Truck 12 responding,
肖警官和他的神经病乘客立刻赶往 Officer Shaw and his unhinged passenger on their way.
弗兰克人是不错 Frank is a great guy.
但是我想给他一个建设性的建议 I mean, if I had one constructive criticism
他梦想太小了 it would be that his dreams, they're small.
不像你我 Not like you and me.
其他人见雨云就是云 Others see storm clouds,
但我们知道那是卖伞的商机 we see an opportunity to invent the umbrella.
我们有慧眼 We get it.
我不会投资你的烂房子 I'm not investing in no disgusting house.
再说了 如果真那么好 你干嘛自己不买 And if it's so great, why don't you just buy it?
额 我很多流动性资产 Well, I've sunk a lot of liquidity
沉没进孩子的钢琴课了 into children's piano lessons.
天哪 我是下一位接听 太激动了 Oh my gosh, I'm next in line. This is very exciting.
我已经等待接听几个小时了 I've been on hold for literally hours.
不巧 要进隧道了 This is very unfortunate timing.
不 No! lll
真好笑 Oh boy.
一个灵媒找不到自己的宠物 A psychic who can't find their own pet.
我进这种地方会感觉束手束脚的 It's gonna be hard for me to be my best self in there.
我的小猴尼尔瓦那 So my monkey, Nirvana,
是科特·柯本转世 she's the reincarnation of Kurt Cobain.
所以我给她起名尼尔瓦那 That's how she got her name.
是的 根据你对她的观察 Yeah, I put two and two together.
我也有一点超感觉力 I got a little ESP of my own.
我算过了 知道她不会有事 I know she's going to be ok because I can see she's safe.
你要不然直接算她现在在哪儿 Wanna short cut this and tell us where she is?
灵力不能这样用 It doesn't work like that.
当然 Of course not.
别担心 我们会告诉相关机构 Hey. We'll alert the authorities.
嗯 其实就是我们 Well, actually, it's actually us.
不用担心 我们会帮您找回猴子 But don't worry, we will find your monkey.
你有一种善良的光辉 You have a kind aura.
谢谢 Thanks.
你的气场就很动乱 Yours is more turbulent.
你怎么看出来的 What gave it away?
我的过分敌意 My overt hostility, or that more than once
还是多次暗示你是个骗子 I've implied that you're a charlatan?
我能问你下 Hey, can I ask you something?
班布里奇岛有个女孩 There's this girl on Bainbridge Island- -
她不值得 太远 She's not worth it. Too far away.
她也太优柔寡断 Also, she's very indecisive.
弗兰克 她有点东西 你也问问 Frank, she's good. Ask her something.
不要 No.
试试 Come on.
我们能赢得那个乒乓球桌吗 Are we gonna win the ping pong table?
不是吧 我能解答任何问题 Seriously? You can ask me anything.
你可以预见未来或与逝者沟通 I can see into the future or communicate with the dead.
好吧 Fine.
通灵问问我过世的母亲 Reach out to my dead mother and ask her
觉得我能不能赢得那张乒乓球桌 if she thinks we're gonna win the ping pong table.
你现在处在人生的十字路口 You're at a crossroads in life.
我只能看清一条路 I can only see one path clearly
孤寂之路 and it's a path of great loneliness.
你要不要试一下约会软件 Have you considered a dating app?
你就直说不确定谁能得到那桌子呗 Just admit you don't know who's gonna win the ping pong table.
乒乓桌只是外象 Ping pong is just a distraction.
内心深处 Underneath you don't think
你认为没人会陪你一生 there's someone out there for you.
放弃了对爱情的追求 You've given up on love.
我打了个寒战 I just got a chill.
因为这个小灵媒商店付不起供暖费 That chill is because strip mall medium here can't afford heat.
还丢了只猴子 And she lost an entire monkey.
行了 走 Alright, let's go.
谢谢 Thank you.
待领养
这个酒保像我叔叔吉米 This bartender looks like my uncle Jimmy.
没想到 这招真行 有不少点赞 Holy crap, I thinkit's working. Getting a lot of likes.
来新消息了 Here we go.
一个家庭想要收养小猫比利 Ok. Some family wants to adopt Billy the Kitten
还有应召小姐无毛猫 and the hairless call girl.
太好了 Yes!
应召小姐毛毛猫还是没人要 Still no takers on the hairy call girl.
-艾米丽 -嗨 Emily? - Hey.
要帮忙吗 Can I help you?
我看你不歇气忙一天了 I mean, you've been going non- stop all day.
行 你可以把我们斗牛士的 Um, yeah, actually could you hand me that tiny little
迷你小绳索给我吗 hang man's noose for our cattle wrestler here?
哇 看看这个 你很有创作天分 Wow, look at that. You've got a real creative side.
谢谢 Thanks.
想不想在更大的地方创作 Ever thought about working on a bigger canvas?
我不投资你的房子 帕特尔 No, I'm not investing in your house, Patel.
我先去吃饭了 I'm taking an early lunch.
行 Ok.
办案员 Agent.
我说办案员 I'm saying agent!
达奇景观正在逼近 Officer Dudge approaching.
宠物扮妓女简直败坏风气 This is pandering, whoring your pets.
-艾米丽在办公室 -行 Emily's in her office. Okay.
宠物扮妓女 简直败坏风气 This is pandering, whoring your pets.
我已经在网上投诉你们了 I've already registered my complaint online.
等等 你就是 猫尊战士99 Wait, are you catdignity99?
是的 是我 Yes, I am.
因为总得有人为这些无法说话的动物们发声 Cause someone has to speak for those who have no voice.
你可不可以静坐发声 Have you ever considered a vow of silence in solidarity?
绝不可能 Never.
你的长官可能经常找不到你人吧 Doesn't your supervisor ever wonder where you are?
是 Yeah.
明天起 Oh, starting tomorrow
他就能在我们新乒乓球桌边见到我了 he will be able to find me at our new ping pong table.
很难说 I don't know.
你要不是感到威胁紧张了 I mean, you wouldn't have come all this way
也不会大老远跑过来 if you weren't a little sweaty and nervous.
那是我甲状腺变小了 You know I have a diminished thyroid,
这是职场性骚扰 so that is workplace harassment.
我对你衰退的全身器官没有兴趣 I can't keep track of all your shrinking body parts.
要不然去你的猫咪论坛上抱怨抱怨 Why don't you make a complaint to one of your cat forums?
或许我试过了 Maybe I already did.
-试过了 -对 Oh, you did? - Yeah.
那猫猫说什么 Oh, what did it say?
喵喵喵喵 喵喵喵喵喵 Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow,
他先不客气的 he was mean to me.
嘿 施莱德 Hey, Shred.
嗯 怎么了 Hey, what's up?
你为什么从来不来找我投资 Hey yo, how come you haven't asked me to invest yet?
因为你还小 Ah, you're a young kid, man.
应该没啥闲钱 You don't have that kind of extra dough.
你不知道我当年还在单板滑雪时 I mean, you know I had a lot of sponsors
有不少赞助人吧 when I was a snowboarder, right?
真假的 Really?
等下 所以你有兴趣投资 Wait, so would you be interested in investing?
噢 我倒也想呢 Oh, I wish I could.
你还是这样 先钓我胃口接着又让我失望 Of course you just build me up just to cut me down, huh?
老兄 我现在可没时间搞副业 Dude, I don't have time for side projects right now.
我在无缝约会呢 I'm dating non- stop.
下班后我带你去看看 Let me take you by after work,
让你在晚上看一眼那街区 不用作出承诺什么的 you see the neighborhood at night, no commitment.
好吧 行 Alright, yeah.
我一直在找扩展我投资组合的法子呢 I'm always looking for ways to expand my portfolio.
太好了 说好了哈 Yeah. That's it.
投资组合 Portfolio?
我一点也不担心 我们还领先六只动物 I'm not worried. We're leading by six
而且马上就到截止时间了 and closing time is fast approaching.
坏消息哦 Oh, boom.
我们给这只拉布拉多找到新家了 Found a home for the labradoodle.
先别太自信 因为 Well, I wouldn't get too confident because
坏消息 我们给蓬松的前沿药剂师找到新家了 boom, just found a home for Fluffy Frontier Pharmacist.
那是一杯卡布奇诺的照片吧 That was a picture of a cappuccino.
我们会给蓬松的前沿药剂师找到新家的 We will find a home for Fluffy Frontier Pharmacists!
还有猫咪镇的所有公民 And all of the citizens of Cat Town.
绝望吧 大家 狠狠绝望吧 Feels very desperate, people. Very desperate.
完美一击 That's an ace.
看我切球 That's a slice.
找个办案员接电话啊 Put a freaking agent on the phone.
瞧瞧 两旁种满银杏树的街道 Look at this. Sycamore lined streets,
我是说 无形的优点全都给这地方占了嘛 I mean, this place just has all the intangibles.
她就伫立在这 街区的正中间 Oof, there she is, right in the middle of the block.
这些人来干嘛的啊 What're all those people doing there?
难道这开放参观吗 它都不在多重挂牌服务里啊 Is that an open house? That's not in the MLS.
多重挂牌服务 由房地产行业建立的数据库 提供有关待售房产的数据
他们不会是在搞袖珍挂牌吧 You think they're doing a pocket listing?
袖珍挂牌 通过私人渠道而非多重挂牌服务向潜在卖家推销房产
看看这些横梁呐 Look at those beams.
二位欢迎 我叫本 Welcome, I'm Ben.
啊 你一定就是挂牌经纪人了吧 Ah, you must be the listing agent.
你好 Hi.
呃不 我是奥黛丽的儿子 Uh, no. I'm Audrey's son.
请随意享用吃的吧 So help yourself to some food
拉比几分钟后就会开始带着大家祷告 and the rabbi will begin prayers in a few minutes.
噢 这是个天大的误会 Oh. There's been a huge misunderstanding.
真是抱歉 我们以为这里开放参观 I'm so sorry, we thought this was an open house.
很抱歉你失去了亲人 这肯定悲痛欲绝 I am so sorry for your loss. That is just devastating.
但关于这栋房子 But in regards to the house
你们有想好报价了吗 have you guys come up with an asking price?
不是因为 今天不适合谈这个 Not that there's- that's not for today.
不 今天是关于你母亲的 No, for today is about your mother.
我们 呃 我们要 We're- - um, we're gonna- -
等等 Wait.
先别走 Don't go.
我母亲生前没多少朋友 My mother didn't have many friends
但犹太礼拜需要至少十个人才能开始 and we need ten people for a minion.
请入座 Please be seated.
这房子用来招待人太棒了呀 The house is great for entertaining.
客厅能坐下十个人 完全没问题哈 Ten in the living room, no problem?
我们进来的手段不咋地 但我们最快啊 We come in low but we come in fast.
你好 邓普顿 你是打来想认输的吗 Hello, Templeton. Are you calling to concede?
我知道你肯定作弊了 我们4点45分的时候还领先三只呢 I know you cheated. We were up by three at 4: 45.
那张乒乓球桌布该是我们的 弗兰克 That ping pong table should be ours, Frank!
我还能说什么呢 What can I tell ya?
正好就在时间截止前 有个爱小动物的人来领养了 An animal lover came in right before the bell.
但披萨午餐还是你的 不是吗 But you still got that pizza lunch, right?
是什么来着 给30个人吃的两块中型披萨 What is it, two medium pies for 30 people?
听起来挺有意思的哈 好好享受这一堆人吧 That sounds like fun. Enjoy the stampede.
我要对你发起一项正式的调 I'm launching a formal investiga- -
好了小家伙们 先别太享受了好吗 Alright guys, let's not get too comfortable, ok?
这不是长久之计 This isn't permanent.
给你们找到新家了就得走了 You're leaving when we find you new homes.
除了你 胡须医生 你肯定得留下来 Except for you, Doc Whiskers. Obviously you're staying.
因为我爱你 我一直都那么爱你 Because I love you, and I've always loved you.
一看我就爱你对吧 I sure do.
嘿 你们这些小家伙想看些什么 Hey, what do you ladies wanna watch, huh?
完了我怎么回事 What's happening to me?
现在我说不了话 在等电话接通呢 I can't talk, I'm on hold.
你想咋嘲我都行 我需要你帮忙 Mock me all you want, I need your help.
我要你帮我也注册下那些约会软件 I need you to get me on those dating apps.
不是说废物才用吗 Aren't those for Iosers?
噢那是 Oh, absolutely.
我准备好加入他们了 And I am ready to join their ranks.
马上就来你家 I'll be right there.
我知道 I know.
我当时超尴尬的 I was so embarrassed, you know?
然后我妈带着一副新的棒球手套 And then my mom came to pick me up from school
来学校接我了 with a brand new baseball glove.
可能现在还放在她地下室里的什么地方吧 Which she probably has in the basement somewhere
和每一双我穿过的运动鞋放在一起 along with every pair of cleats I've ever owned.
放下事物对她来说总是很难 She has a hard time letting go of things.
现在对我来说放下她太难了 Now I'm having a hard time letting go of her.
谢谢 本 真是一段令人动容的发言啊 Thank you, Ben. That was beautiful.
令人动容 Beautiful.
还有人也想说点什么吗 Would anyone else like to share?
我 I would.
什么 What?
和你们待在一起 让我清楚意识到 Uh, being with all of you has made me very aware
失去你挚爱的人是一件多么难的事 of how hard it is to lose someone you love.
因为你清楚你们不会再在一起了 To know that you can never be together.
因为你清楚你的人生永远改变了 To know that your life is forever changed.
因为你清楚她现在和其他人在一起了 To know that she's with someone else now.
能找到一个这样美丽动人 And the odds of finding somebody with a radiant beauty
喜欢给猫咪穿可爱衣服的人 that likes dressing cats in adorable outfits
这种机会几乎为零 is pretty much zero.
我逃避自己的情绪已经有段时间了 And I've been running from my feelings for a while,
事实上 我就是特别 特别伤心 but the truth is I'm just really, really sad.
我很伤心 I'm sad.
谢谢 Thank you.
你的工作就是救助动物啊 You save animals for a living.
我 我不太明白你为什么不肯写上去 I- - I don't understand why you're fighting it.
我觉得很多女人都会被这吸引的 I think most women would find that very appealing.
我可不止有这一点可以说 There's so much more to me than that.
我思想深刻 I'm a deep thinker.
我世事都能看透了 I'm a graduate of the school of life.
你想把单身也加上去不 Do you wanna add celibate to the list?
听着 这很简单 弗兰克 Look, it's very simple, Frank.
你身高有一米九三 你没有小孩 You are six foot four, you don't have kids,
你的工作是救助动物 you save animals for a living.
提一下你的鞋码也没什么坏处 它们看起来挺大的 It wouldn't hurt to mention your shoe size, they look big.
那你至少加上我爱喝波本酒和苏格兰威士忌可以吗 Can you at least add that I'm a bourbon and scotch enthusiast?
好啊没问题 酗酒 Yeah, sure. Drinks too much.
你直接用这个开头得了 Why don't we just lead with that?
好吧 你想写啥都行 Alright, just say whatever you want.
但别用那张我和长颈鹿宝宝的照片 But don't use the photo of me and the baby giraffe.
噢 还挺不错的嘛 Oh, it's good actually.
嗯 我那天发型看起来不错啊 Yeah, my hair looked good that day.
虚荣心很重 Vain.
你还好吧 你刚那会儿看起来真挺伤心的 You alright? You got pretty emotional in there.
没事 Yeah.
我是说 你早也知道了 I mean, you probably already know
我还是有点放不下艾米丽 but I'm having some trouble getting over Emily.
是啊没错 艾米丽 Totally. Emily.
实话说 我之前不知道 Honestly, I did not know that.
真假的 Really?
是啊 你会被我有多以自我为中心惊讶到的 Yeah, you'd be surprised at how self- centered I can be.
噢 呃好吧 Oh. Well, yeah.
我本以为我做好准备 可以重新开始约会了 I guess I thought I was ready to start dating
但我还是没有 but I'm just not, man.
你会放下她的 兄弟 You'll get there, buddy.
谢了 Thanks.
你知道有个什么不错的主意吗 You know what might be nice?
全身心投入一个副业 Just throw yourself into a project.
那种有很大上升潜力的 Something with incredible upside potential.
你还真是以自我为中心呢 You really are self- centered.
你可想象不到 You have no idea.
但说真的 你为什么这么想买这栋房子啊 Why do you want this house so bad, anyway?
嗯 玛雅生病卧床 我孩子们简直像小魔鬼 Well, Maya is on bed rest, my kids are monsters,
我想要点属于我自己的东西 I want something that's mine.
能理解 兄弟 I get that, man.
是啊 Yeah.
我也需要点属于我自己的东西 I need something that's mine, too.
我们买吧 Let's do it.
真的假的 Really?
没说假的 老兄 我们 我们真的买吧 Yeah, dude. Let's, like, let's actually do it.
你是 Are you- - ?
我没开玩笑 我们 可以成为真正的地产大亨啊 I'm serious. No, let's be, like, real estate tycoons.
好啊好啊 一起统治这小镇吧 老铁 Yes! Yes! Let's run this town, babyl
好啊 老兄 Yeah, dudel
等下 Wait.
嘿 那树上 那是只猴子吗 Hey, woah, in that tree, is that a- - is that a monkey?
好了 准备好在西雅图地区展现 Ok, are you ready to unleash your manhood
你的男子气概了吗 on the greater Seattle area?
你给我注册了什么约会软件啊 What the hell app did you sign me up for?
问这个太晚了哦 已经发好了 Too late, we're live
希望你能碰上些很棒的人 I hope you meet someone great.
我这约会历史可不太好看啊 I don't have a very good track record.
嗯 我也是 No, neither do I.
但我可比你年轻多咯 感觉还有时间 But I'm a lot younger than you so I feel like I've got time.
这里是公民及移民服务局 Citizenship and Immigration,
请问有什么可以帮您的 what can I do for you?
我的天啊 Oh my god!
不可能吧 居然是个大活人在说话 No way! It's a real live actual person!
你好 Hello.
抱歉 我 呃 我有些关于那个 呃 Sorry, um, I just- - uh, I have questions about uh,
申请过程的问题 the application process.
请先别 挂让我帮您转接到那个部门 Hold on, let me transfer you to that department.
等等 不 别让我又等啊 Wait, no. Do not put me on hold- -
我讨厌你们的国家 I hate your country!
您好 是要询问申请吗 Hello, applications?
这居然还挺快 That was really quick.
您好 Hello?
-等着 我来了 -您好 - Hang on, I'm coming! - Hello?
等着 Just wait.
就等一下下 让我找到手机在哪里 Wait a hot minute, I just have to find you.
我来了 别挂啊 I'm coming. Do not hang up.
您好 Hello?
别挂 别挂啊 Do not hang up! Do not hang up!
嘿 我已经匹配到两个人了 Hey, I've already gotten two matches.
啊有个是表亲 Ah, one's a cousin.
泰勒警官 Officer Taylor?
找到你的小朋友了 I found your little friend.
这可不是我养的那只啊 That's not my monkey.
我就知道会这样 I knew this was going to happen.
女士们先生们 我要向你们介绍猴克顿夫人 Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Lady Monkeyton.
她绝对会被领养掉的 She's totally getting adopted.
她好有贵族气息啊 She's so aristocratic.
很难相信就五分钟前 It's hard to believe that just five minutes ago
她还在扔自己的粪便呢 she was throwing her own feces.
好了 有谁想一起打乒乓的 Alright, who wants to play ping pong?
来咯 Let's go.
好 Yes.
猴克顿夫人 你真是全世界最美丽优雅的 Lady Monkeyton, you are the most beautiful eligible monkey
小猴子 in all of the land.
你可能要被求婚了哦 You might get a proposal soon.